Hitting a small target; Just the tip

Feyenoord were 2-0 up at home to NAC Breda, so why not have a laugh when you're kicking off.

It couldn't have hurt that much, and makes you wonder why a player can miss a penalty if they can hit a target that small.

Should have smashed it at him - no reason really, just would have made me laugh.

Weekend preview - A few new signings, and the Derby d'Italia

Can Arsenal forge a German connection like the Inter team of the 90s?

There are plenty of new signings that I'm looking forward to seeing this weekend - Mesut Ozil, Cristian Eriksen, Samuel Eto'o and potentially Gareth Bale. Most of them are injured or lacking match fitness, which makes you wonder what they were doing during the International break. (I didn't want to mention it, but there you go - and that's all you're getting).

The Geezer can be match fit in 14 minutes, and most of that is because I can't tie the laces on my boots and drink a can of Stella at the same time.

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In Serie A this weekend is the Derby of Italy - Inter and Juventus have both won their opening two games, but this should be a real test for Inter. Juventus have spent all the money and brought in some quality players, but Inter have a chance and may even see the return of Diego Milito - maybe not a huge fan favorite, but he knows how to notch, and that's all you can ask.

The always attack-minded Rafael Benitez has started with 2 wins as well, and keep and eye out for Marek Hamsik at Napoli. He's by no means a new signing, but he's got 4 in 2 and Benitez said he's "priceless" is Bale is worth 100 million - can't really disagree as the Welshman is never worth the fee paid for him.

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In England, Mesut Ozil should destroy Paulo Di Canio's Sunderland team. Put your money on an Arsenal win. Sunderland lost to their own under 21s team, so can't see them beating Arsenal. Looking forward to seeing how Spurs gel, and whether Jose Mourinho can somehow fit Willian and Eto'o into the starting lineup. Typical bad luck for Romelu Lukaku too - can't get a game at Chelsea, so goes on loan to Everton, only to be unavailable as the Toffees play Chelsea this week! 

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Not too much that really jumps out in the Bundesliga, France, Portugal or Spain this week. Bale may play for Real Madrid, but I doubt it. He's not fit, with speculation he may get the last 15-20 if they are 4-0 against Villareal. But all in all, I'm glad European club football is back - as I need to enjoy a beer, not cry into one.

Women's football and futsal in one post?!!

Someone sent me a link to this, and I was initially hesitant to open - but then realized I open far more treacherous emails and links and it couldn't hurt to check it out.

I've never seen a goal like it at any level, but it's futsal, so doesn't really count !

 

Will Smith's 'penalty' made me go to the Carlton dance

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was funny, some of his films are good (struggling to name any tho) and he always seemed like a nice enough guy, but Will Smith just blew his credibility.

How hard is it to kick a ball? I'm not asking you to put it in the top corner or find a teammate from 50 yards - just kick the ball. Toe punt it, sidefoot it, or just practice before turning up at an event and making a fool of yourself.

Carlton would be laughing and dancing at your embarrassment now (so here's his video to cheer me up!)

Arsene Wenger no longer throwing coins

Following the acquisition of Mesut Ozil, it's hard to to accuse Arsene Wenger of being tight with the cash.

It only took 8 years of signings like Gervinho, Park Chu-Young, Sebastian Squillaci and Francis Jeffers to force his hand.

But regardless, no one will remember any of that information after seeing this...

Pink eye? Crying? Partying? Landon's eye even has a twitter account!

The US did it! We're headed to Brazil! 

Many questions were answered last night: how would the US fare against El Tri without the injured Michael Bradley and three suspended players (just fine), would they beat Mexico 2-0 once again in Columbus (they did), would Honduras send us through to Brazil (also, yes).

But the one question that we still don't have a clear answer for is what in god's name happened to Landon Donovan's eye?!?

I mean look at this thing! 

The picture made the rounds over Twitter and the rest of the Interwebs last night during the match. It became such a meme that someone came up with that oh-so-clever thing of having his eye tweeting in the first-person from a single-serving Twitter account. I wonder how soon that thing will go dormant.

While ESPN's Roger Bennett said Donovan had an eye infection, I came up with my own theories as to why Landon looks like he went toe-to-toe with Floyd Mayweather. 

From least likely to most likely:

5) He's been possessed. With qualification still up in the air, Landon took one for the team and sold his soul to the devil to ensure a trip to Brazil. But since selling your soul is a high price to pay, I'm sure Landon got his money's worth and the US is guaranteed to take home the gold trophy next year.

4) He got punched in the eye at Friday's. Now hear me out - the night before the match, the boys went out to the local pub to enjoy a few beers and watch some Monday Night (American) Football. (In Columbus, the place to go is TGI Friday's.) Hailing from California, Landon probably supports the San Diego Chargers, so naturally he was sporting a Phillip Rivers jersey. 

Right before he bit into a jalapeno popper (his favorite), some drunk local started jawing at him over his taste in quarterbacks. (Unsurprisingly, Rivers cost the man a fantasy football championship the year before) Landon defended his QB's rep, things got heated and a few punches were thrown. Landon took a fist to the eye. (He deserved it as Rivers stinks.)

3) He's wearing fashion contact lenses and one fell out. He wanted to look intimidating so he bought a pair of those awful lenses. You try finding a tiny, clear plastic lens on a giant green pitch.

2) He's been crying over his breakup with his wife. Yes, his split with actress Bianca Kijilic happened way back in 2010, but I could see why he might still be upset.

and the most likely scenario...

1) He has pinkeye because he doesn't wash his hands properly after wiping / or someone farted on his pillow. Pinkeye, or conjunctivitis, is the swelling of the mucus membrane between the eye and eyelid and it can be caused by allergies, bacteria or a virus (such as herpes!). Hands can become contaminated by coming in contact with infectious tears, eye discharge, fecal matter, or respiratory discharges, according to the CDC.

If pinkeye is indeed the case, it's probably because Landon was in such a hurry to get back on the practice field to ensure US domination that he skipped a step or two while utilizing the training facility commode. 

Or maybe someone just farted on his pillow. It could have been a prank gone horribly awry by one of his puckish teammates (my money is on Eddie Johnson) or a revenge stunt by the hotel staff in Costa Rica. We may never know for sure.

What we do know is that pinkeye is pretty contagious, so I'm surprised he didn't find himself in open space more often last night. And while it hasn't been confirmed if beer helps with conjunctivitis, I doubt anybody was in a rush to hold his bottle for him.

- Nick 'The American' Hatcher

Tricks of the trade - Robinho

Great footwork - no if only he could find his way into the starting XI of a team.

A bit of a Denilson for me - great talent, but wasted.